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  • Writer's pictureRKPROST

The Newest College Essential

The college grocery essentials: Easy Mac, instant Ramen, a shit ton of caffeinated beverages. It won’t be long until I’m a broke college student facing the daily struggle of finding cheap ways to satisfy my hunger. My favorite food just so happens to come in a can providing versatility. This lead me to believe that cans of black olives are a personal college necessity.

I can’t possibly afford to eat on campus for every meal. Olives not only serve as a something to consume, but they’re cheap, come in cases of twenty-four cans, and on rare occasions, a pizza topping. The olives do soak in their own liquids and if boredom strikes on a Friday night, I’ll keep an open mind to doing shots of olive juice compared to alcohol. Dishwashing is quite a low priority, so they can may function as a makeshift drinking glass or a pot for coffee or soup or pasta or simply to boil water. Some may argue that being on an olive only diet isn’t a balanced or nutritious, but at least I’ll avoid the freshman fifteen.

With all my other college expenses, spending money on dorm room decorations is just ridiculous. Apparently, Pinterest says there are “Fifty Jaw-Dropping Ideas” for me to “Upcycle Tin Cans into Beautiful Household Items,” so I think one may fit the dorm room aesthetic. For example, a can may be a simple storage holder for spare writing utensils whereas another could be an indoor herb garden planter that contains a forgotten and shriveled basil which hasn’t been watered in weeks. I’ll add to the uniqueness of the student body, known as the person who writes essays by the light of a black olive tin can lamp.

The can doesn’t have to be empty for it to be useful. Each campus is equipped with emergency poles, but I doubt I’ll be using it. The lid can be transformed into a knife and the can itself acts as a throwing weapon and blunt force object. I pity the fool that comes at me since I’m armed with a sixteen ounce can that I am not afraid to hurl at whoever or whatever is trying to fight me. One may question the point of adding the extra weight to my bag of bricks —or, I should rather say, my backpack, but what’s the harm in adding one more pound if it’ll be for my safety? The cylinder does have some weight to it, therefore I won’t purchase a gym membership to stay in shape. I’ll use the cans as dumbbells, achieve the same results, and save money.

Life as a student will be a whole lot easier when one of my favorite foods keeps me fed and molds me into a more resourceful person. Black olive cans are vital to my survival through college, but this will only be relevant if I graduate high school.

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